Bugs, Babies & Life Stories

I can't cope with this anymore!!!!!

The last thing Caitie said to me when I put her to bed last night was "I don't want to go to preschool Mummy!" Then at 12:30am she woke up and refused to go back to sleep, she had herself so worked up that she could not relax and kept telling me to "not leave her". At 2am I'd had enough, I snapped at her and told her to lie down and go to sleep, she then screamed as I had scared her, which woke Andrew up, so he came in and told me to go back to bed and he would get her back to sleep So I went back to my bed and then at 2:30am Pip woke for a feed.......

She did sleep till 7am and then it was, do we send her or not??? (She also had unexplained 39 deg temps all day yesterday) I rang the centre and spoke to one of the carers and she said that once a week is a long time between stays for a 3 year old, so she suggested either increase her days or maybe she is still a little to young to cope with the separation and to stop for a couple of months....

I decided to take her today and discuss it with the director to see what our options were. So Andrew took Pip and I got Caitie ready and told her we were going for a drive to Richmond.... It was all good till she saw the centre and that's when it started again. She cried, screamed, sobbed, pleaded and cried some more, then we got out of the car. I left her still going with Mel and headed home.

I agonised over what to do all day, then came up with an idea that I thought might work, how about instead of her going for 8:30am till 3:30pm, how about 9am till 12pm and after talking to Andrew and Aunty Jan about it I was feeling a lot better. So Andrew and I headed back up to talk to them and pick her up. The director said that they had been discussing her for most of the day and that she had be ok, but would not let Mel leave her side. what they suggested was either pull her out for a while or maybe if when I bring her I hang around for an hour or more so she can play but I'm just in the room if she needs me and then only leave her for a couple of hours rather than the whole day.

So that is where we are at, I leave Pip with Andrew, we arrive at 9am, I stay till 10ish, tell her that I am going to get Pippi and that I will be back after lunch and see if it works.

All I can say is that I can't function like this for much longer, as it is just not Wednesday that she is upset, she is working herself up all week and Tuesday night she is a mess and also Wednesday night and I am meant to start up Bible study again next Wednesday night!!!!

I just don't know what to do or where to turn! I do know that at this moment we need a lot of prayer, to know what to do and be able to cope. It is heart breaking/shredding/massacring when you have to leave your baby so absolutely terrified she can't breath just cause it is what she should be doing to expand her social skills and learn.

Please pray....

I wonder when I will be able to stop these entries!!!!

Well today she started to cry be for we even left the house, Andrew had told her that he would come with us to drop her off. Well she had even him on the verge of crying in the end.
She just went hysterical and was sobbing. She was absolutely terrified and Andrew has always old her that if she was frightened that Daddy would be there, and he had to just turn his back on her.....

We headed to the Zoo on our day off on Tuesday and after 2 Train rides and a Ferry ride we got on the cable car and headed to the top of the zoo.

We saw Monkeys, Tigers, Lions, Elephants, Giraffes, Seals, Zebras and lots more.

Not quite sure what was in the air on Tuesday, but it seemed like all the animals were getting some..... The chimps were all on heat, so they were doing what they animals do often and very loudly and just check out the elephants.... That's one big boy and he is only 7 years old!!!!!!

Caitie loved it and Pip was really good too. It was a very long tiring day but we all enjoyed it and had a great time. Caitie went to sleep in the car on the way home and so she went straight to bed and slept through till the morning.

We also picked the best day to go as the Queen Mary 2 was in the harbour..... That is one BIG boat and only the cost of a house for 1 person to sail on!!!!

It would have been Mum's 62nd birthday on Monday and it was a day of mixed emotions. It was easy to go on with the mundane this of the day and then every now and then it would hurt. My wonderful husband came home from Elders with lovely bunch of flowers and the sweetest card. And for some reason Caitie was singing Happy Birthday all day.......

It is so hard to believe that she has been gone almost 3 years.

Grandmother Bevan, Mum and me as a baby

My all time favorite photo of Mum, BJ & I in Malaysia in 2005

Me & My Mummy in 1998 at Dad's surprise 50th party

In the hospital when Caitie was born in Feb, 2004

WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today we cried and cried and cried, both of us, (I understand now Paulie).

Caitie was a bit funny all morning and has been waking in at night recently with nightmares, so I was not surprised when she didn't want to go into the room once we arrived at the centre, let alone SCREAMED when I stood up to leave. After 10 minutes of trying to distract her with the dolls, home corner and puzzles which didn't stop the crying and heartbreaking sobs of "Let me come with you", "I want my Daddy" and "I want a cuddle, lots of cuddles", I handed my hysterical baby girl over to this all of 17 years old stranger and left the room in tears. Apparently she had a rocky day, was ok in bursts but basically upset for most of it. When we went to pick her up as soon as she saw me she ran and burst into tears again and wanted to go home.

The Childcare worker Kristy said that this is usual as the first day it is all exciting but the second day they realise that it means Mummy leaves them for the day and that's the worse thing you can do to them as far as they are concerned.

Anyway she will get use to it once she gets to know the other kids and the carer's, but in the mean time it is the WORST feeling EVER to just turn your back and walk away from your crying hurting child. I so hope it doesn't take long.

My little girl is growing up so fast and I don't think I am ready for it to happen.....




She started Little Kids Church on Sunday morning and as I sat with a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye she took hold of Tahlia's hand and was off to her own Church without giving me a second thought. When I went to pick her up she gave me a dirty look and told me that she was staying and to go away..... bang crash goes my shattered heart on the floor.....sniff sniff sniff


She also starts Pre-School on Wednesday, I am going to be a mess.......where has my baby girl gone!!!!!