Bugs, Babies & Life Stories

Well I don't know if it was all we need to do or that Caitlyn was so tired she couldn't be bothered but last night when it was bed time Andrew and I took 'bug' to her room, sat her down and told her that we had decided that she didn't have to go back to pre school, as soon as we said 'preschool' the lip quivered and so we tried to explain it a bit simpler and she seemed to understand. Then we told her that we would leave her special fairy lights on so her room wasn't dark, that her guard dogs were outside her window beside her bed and Daddy & Mummy were outside her door so the monsters and monkeys couldn't get in. Then we agreed that Daddy would do 2 stories, Mummy would do 2 songs and then it was sleep time.

And it was that easy, she was fast asleep within 10 minutes and we didn't hear from her till this morning!!!! Praise God.

That was Andrew's first unbroken nights sleep in a month and I was still up to Pip, that normal, but at least I got to spend most of the night in my own bed and thats was a blessing.

So we have all woken happy and ready to tackle the day even if it did start at 5:10AM Thank you Miss Philippa....

At 2:30am this morning I decided that we can not carry on like this and dropping Caitie down to a half day is not going to make ANY difference. So when we all got up at 6:30am I said to Andrew that we need to pull her out of preschool as it is not a positive experience for anyone.

Then we got a lovely phone call from Graham & Paula our very special friends on the other side of the world to encourage us that we are not failing as parents and to just pull her out. So that just confirmed that this was what we should do for her at this point, as there is no sense destroying the lovely little person she is just because she is 3 and that's when other kids go to preschool.

Before starting preschool, Caitlyn would go to bed at 7pm with little fuss, we would do 2 stories, 2 songs, say goodnight, turn the light off, close the door and would not hear from her till the morning. Now she cries when its bed time, won't settle, the door has to be wide open, the light must be on and she keeps waking up scared and not willing to go back to sleep.

We realise that for us to get back our happy, well adjusted sleeping child, we need to go back to the start and begin again. After Bible study today I am going to go up to the centre to thank them for helping us through this time and that for Caities benefit we need to pull her out.

At this stage we are not going to look at putting her back in till at least 3rd term if not till next year. Even though she is now 3 she is a young 3 and just not emotionally ready to be on her own and why should she, she has never had to be before and it is a lot to adjust to.

We will probably not be able to get her back into 'HeadStart' if she goes back in Term 3 as Wednesday's are their busiest day, but we need to believe that this is the right thing to do and that God will provide the right place at the right centre when she is ready. We do have a few options as we know different centres around the area that she knows people at, there is Michelle Bouveng, Robyn Murray, Kylie Alexander or Majella Cutts sister and where Tahlia goes. But we will just revisit that when we think she is ready to cope. In the mean till we are going to now concentrate on getting life back to normal and work on our toilet training, which is going quite well.

I can't cope with this anymore!!!!!

The last thing Caitie said to me when I put her to bed last night was "I don't want to go to preschool Mummy!" Then at 12:30am she woke up and refused to go back to sleep, she had herself so worked up that she could not relax and kept telling me to "not leave her". At 2am I'd had enough, I snapped at her and told her to lie down and go to sleep, she then screamed as I had scared her, which woke Andrew up, so he came in and told me to go back to bed and he would get her back to sleep So I went back to my bed and then at 2:30am Pip woke for a feed.......

She did sleep till 7am and then it was, do we send her or not??? (She also had unexplained 39 deg temps all day yesterday) I rang the centre and spoke to one of the carers and she said that once a week is a long time between stays for a 3 year old, so she suggested either increase her days or maybe she is still a little to young to cope with the separation and to stop for a couple of months....

I decided to take her today and discuss it with the director to see what our options were. So Andrew took Pip and I got Caitie ready and told her we were going for a drive to Richmond.... It was all good till she saw the centre and that's when it started again. She cried, screamed, sobbed, pleaded and cried some more, then we got out of the car. I left her still going with Mel and headed home.

I agonised over what to do all day, then came up with an idea that I thought might work, how about instead of her going for 8:30am till 3:30pm, how about 9am till 12pm and after talking to Andrew and Aunty Jan about it I was feeling a lot better. So Andrew and I headed back up to talk to them and pick her up. The director said that they had been discussing her for most of the day and that she had be ok, but would not let Mel leave her side. what they suggested was either pull her out for a while or maybe if when I bring her I hang around for an hour or more so she can play but I'm just in the room if she needs me and then only leave her for a couple of hours rather than the whole day.

So that is where we are at, I leave Pip with Andrew, we arrive at 9am, I stay till 10ish, tell her that I am going to get Pippi and that I will be back after lunch and see if it works.

All I can say is that I can't function like this for much longer, as it is just not Wednesday that she is upset, she is working herself up all week and Tuesday night she is a mess and also Wednesday night and I am meant to start up Bible study again next Wednesday night!!!!

I just don't know what to do or where to turn! I do know that at this moment we need a lot of prayer, to know what to do and be able to cope. It is heart breaking/shredding/massacring when you have to leave your baby so absolutely terrified she can't breath just cause it is what she should be doing to expand her social skills and learn.

Please pray....

I wonder when I will be able to stop these entries!!!!

Well today she started to cry be for we even left the house, Andrew had told her that he would come with us to drop her off. Well she had even him on the verge of crying in the end.
She just went hysterical and was sobbing. She was absolutely terrified and Andrew has always old her that if she was frightened that Daddy would be there, and he had to just turn his back on her.....

We headed to the Zoo on our day off on Tuesday and after 2 Train rides and a Ferry ride we got on the cable car and headed to the top of the zoo.

We saw Monkeys, Tigers, Lions, Elephants, Giraffes, Seals, Zebras and lots more.

Not quite sure what was in the air on Tuesday, but it seemed like all the animals were getting some..... The chimps were all on heat, so they were doing what they animals do often and very loudly and just check out the elephants.... That's one big boy and he is only 7 years old!!!!!!

Caitie loved it and Pip was really good too. It was a very long tiring day but we all enjoyed it and had a great time. Caitie went to sleep in the car on the way home and so she went straight to bed and slept through till the morning.

We also picked the best day to go as the Queen Mary 2 was in the harbour..... That is one BIG boat and only the cost of a house for 1 person to sail on!!!!

It would have been Mum's 62nd birthday on Monday and it was a day of mixed emotions. It was easy to go on with the mundane this of the day and then every now and then it would hurt. My wonderful husband came home from Elders with lovely bunch of flowers and the sweetest card. And for some reason Caitie was singing Happy Birthday all day.......

It is so hard to believe that she has been gone almost 3 years.

Grandmother Bevan, Mum and me as a baby

My all time favorite photo of Mum, BJ & I in Malaysia in 2005

Me & My Mummy in 1998 at Dad's surprise 50th party

In the hospital when Caitie was born in Feb, 2004

WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today we cried and cried and cried, both of us, (I understand now Paulie).

Caitie was a bit funny all morning and has been waking in at night recently with nightmares, so I was not surprised when she didn't want to go into the room once we arrived at the centre, let alone SCREAMED when I stood up to leave. After 10 minutes of trying to distract her with the dolls, home corner and puzzles which didn't stop the crying and heartbreaking sobs of "Let me come with you", "I want my Daddy" and "I want a cuddle, lots of cuddles", I handed my hysterical baby girl over to this all of 17 years old stranger and left the room in tears. Apparently she had a rocky day, was ok in bursts but basically upset for most of it. When we went to pick her up as soon as she saw me she ran and burst into tears again and wanted to go home.

The Childcare worker Kristy said that this is usual as the first day it is all exciting but the second day they realise that it means Mummy leaves them for the day and that's the worse thing you can do to them as far as they are concerned.

Anyway she will get use to it once she gets to know the other kids and the carer's, but in the mean time it is the WORST feeling EVER to just turn your back and walk away from your crying hurting child. I so hope it doesn't take long.